It's not a comeback, it's a Revolution. Join me...
Slugs 
It's good to see you, Nerds.
For some reason, I don’t think that we talk about what we need as much as we should. Our needs have become taboo. Sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, it doesn’t matter. Anything that digs below the surface is our own secret, and we need to keep it to ourselves.
Why? Why can’t we just talk to each other without feeling weird about it?
I am by no means a relationship/dating/sex expert. Sure, I have a lot of experience in the “field” and for some reason, with all this “experience,” I don’t think I’ve ever actually told somebody what I need.
We ready to talk about our needs? Good. It won't be as bad as you think.
I’ve had it recently pointed out to me that I don’t know what a real relationship feels like. Maybe I don’t. I haven’t ever done long term. Why? Because the idea of telling another person what I need scares the shit out of me. So I put up a serious blockade whenever it comes up. I don’t think I’m weird for this, because I think a lot of people do it. We’re told a lot of shit. If you’re reading this, there’s a good 90% chance that you’ve read other dating blogs/articles/advice columns. You’ve probably gotten a lot of really bad advice. I know I have. "Don't call him, let him call you." "Play hard to get, don't answer when he calls." "Don't pay on the first date." "Always offer to pay on the first date." "Don't put out, he'll think you're a slut." "Put out or he'll think you're a prude." Haha. Bull. Shit.
So, I’ve taken a short sabbatical. (Actually, I’ve just had some serious writer's block but I mean, sabbatical is a cooler way of saying it.) In this sabbatical time I dated a wonderful guy. What went wrong? No connection on his part. Why? I’d be willing to bet a month’s salary (which isn’t that much, trust me, but still…) because I could not for the life of me open up to him. I can honestly say that after a month of dating, he barely knew anything about me. Yeah, that’ll kill a relationship before it starts. I mean, there were other things wrong too, but for the sake of this post, my inability to tell him what I wanted or needed completely pushed him away. Why couldn’t I just open up? Well, for one, I’ve been taught that showing your emotions is like having a severe flesh wound around a shark. It leaves you vulnerable and pretty much ready to get ripped to shreds. But what I’m learning is that maybe it’s not the flesh wound that’s the problem, it’s the shark. It’s pretty stupid to have a wound around a shark. But, I mean, if you have a wound around like, a really sweet dog, it’s going to come to you, and it’s going to lick it and make it better. And then, the wound is actually a good thing because it brought this awesome dog to you. And he made it better. So, you just need to avoid the sharks and accept the dogs. I know I’m not making sense, but please keep reading, I promise it gets better. (Yeah, after month off, I’m a little rusty here).
Back in the 70’s, the sexual revolution happened. Everybody said fuck it to taboo and hellz yeah to a self expression that felt good. Now, sex, not really a big deal. So, ok, it’s been a good 30-40 years since then, and what has the new taboo become? Emotions. If you’re a guy that shows your emotions, you’re a pussy. If you’re a girl that shows your emotions, you’re needy and dependant. Fuck that! We feel what we feel. The more we hide it, the bigger our emotional demons become. Half of the freaking country is in therapy and shitty relationships because it’s taboo to show our true emotions. That IS crazy.
SO. With all that said. I’m going to invite and challenge you all to my own personal emotional revolution. Let’s just say fuck it to this stupid taboo. Join my orgy of emotions and tell me…what do you NEED? To be happy with another human being (or dog, because they’re pretty damn close) what do you need?
I’ll tell you what I need: Confidence. Not in yourself, but in me. Well, us. I mean, confidence in yourself is great and all, but I need you to be confident in us. I need my friends to be confident in our friendship. And most of them are. I never have to worry if somebody’s mad at me if I haven’t heard from them in a while, because I know we have a shared confidence in our relationship. I never feel like I’m bugging them by calling or texting. I never feel scared if I’m weak or vulnerable around them. And that’s what I need in a relationship too. A shared confidence, which is built by assurance, and re-assurance, and relationship insurance that you’re not going to say “I love you” one day and change your mind the next. Yes. Confidence, Cohen. It’s something that takes work to be built. So I need work, and confidence. Work with me. Be confident with me…and we’ll be awesome together…and I’ll rock your freakin world.
So join me my Nerds. Let me know what you need. We can truly learn from each other here, so hold your fists up high and say fuck it to taboo, fuck it to fear, and fuck it hiding what you need. Say hellz yeah to a self expression that feels good. Now open that trunk of helium filled emotions and see how good it feels to let them float free.
(Now THAT’S what I call a comeback. What whaaaaat!)
Hugs,
Slugs
Doing it with Slugs 
Reader Comments (7)
This blog needs a "like" button. Seriously, I'm feeling liberated.
I "need" confidence as well. And a partner. I can't always be the one giving, I need somebody to give me as much as I give them.
Thanks Slugs!
This post made me smile. :) You know what I need? A friendship that isn't one-sided and I think I've done a great job eliminating those kinds of friendships from my life. And ya know what? It's an amazing, liberating feeling...especially being able to focus more on myself and my friendships with the "give and take" friends. Friends who will be there for you as much as you are there for them. It's made me a more positive person for sure. Fuck bitches! :)
You're completely right about the difficulties of opening up - it is incredibly hard if you have taught yourself that opening up just gets you hurt. There's a lot of risk in showing your vulnerability, and it takes a lot of trust to do that. It also takes a lot of resilience to bounce back from trust that is broken.
I don't really know if I'm one to talk, since I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and get emotionally invested in things, even in the full knowledge that they might very well let me down. I think it's just because although it's crushing when that does happen, it is so worth it for the good that is definitely out there, and for the deep and fulfilling relationships that can grow from it. I can't count the times I've cried myself to sleep, and I realise I'm probably a bit of an emotional train-wreck because of it, but I don't think I have any regrets.
I guess basically I just want to say to everyone out there who's hidden themselves away for good reasons, don't be afraid to be deliberately innocent and trusting, even just for a little bit to test the waters.
I think the difference between now and the 70's is that people actually talked. You heard their voice, their inflection (???) in their voice, the tone of their voice instead of the cold hard text messages and type written word. A lot of us can't write (not like you slugs) we need more human interaction. Just even talking on the phone is better than texting. Have any of you been to a party and people are texting each other....what kind of social interaction is that? I think in this day and age people are socially challenged. It is scary to become close to people and be yourself. Women actually respected themselves. Watch today's movies versus the 40's. Yea it is old fashioned and even corny but it is also nice. A nice love story when people treated each other better and with respect and actually fell in love not having the pressure of sex interfere. Spend a day watching old fashioned movies and you will see what I mean.
Nice post, Slugs. :)
And nice metaphor: "I’ve been taught that showing your emotions is like having a severe flesh wound around a shark." :)
Hey Slugs,
I've been thinking about an argument recently. One that is so old and common in relationships, especially when it's gone for a while, that the cavemen/-women had arguments about this. Of course, it's about leaving the seat up after using the bathroom.
Most of the arguments I've heard from women (read: My mom, nerds doesn't have girlfriends. Shut up, Joe and Ike.) is that they have no wish to, accidently, sit down on the cold and hard porcelain when they are in a hurry. I can understand that you don't want to sit on something cold and hard when you want to pee, but it raises a few questions, most of them for the lulz.
1. What if the lid was down. Would you have smashed your behind on that and done your business?
2. Isn't the seat just as hard as the porcelain (especially since some of the are made of the stuff)?
3. Don't you think that (most) guys lift the seat before taking a leak even though they are in a hurry?
How much of in a hurry are you when you can't spare 0.1 seconds to look if the lid/seat is down and the 0.4 seconds it takes to lift/lower it? And look at the physical motion of lifting the seat versus lowering it. You will use more power to lift the seat compared to lowering it (remember, gravity does most the work). Sure, it's for consideration to leave it down for your girl. Why can't women lift it for the consideration of their guys?
My real question is: Is there something more behind this that us guys can't see?
I feel like my relationship needs aren't simply "I need this from you" needs. It's also a little bit of "I need to give of myself" needs because making people I love feel special makes me happy too.
I need to feel loved without feeling smothered.
I need to learn that different people show love in different ways. One way isn't necessarily better than others, but I need to learn that it is best to show my love for others in a variety of ways in order for my loved ones to feel the most appreciated.
I need to make sure I don't blame people for other peoples' mistakes. I have found myself doubting people around me whenever they remind me of people who have hurt me in the past. It's not healthy for me, and it isn't fair to them.