Dead fish stink
Slugs 
Sup, Nerds.
So it’s a Friday night. I’m on my way to my newest dating adventure with a cute CPA that I met online. Now, I know, CPA doesn’t exactly scream exciting to most people, but being the nerd lover I am, a big brain is pretty darn sexy. Plus, a man’s work isn’t his life, right? Mr. CPA was also a marathon runner and self proclaimed adrenaline junkie. Sounded pretty well rounded to me. So after a few (slightly awkward) phone calls (which, ok, were really boring but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was probably just bad on the phone. It’s happened before. BTW, listen to the latest episode of X&Y to actually hear a conversation I had with Mr. CPA!) I agreed to meet him for dinner and drinks.
So, on a first date, the first impression is pretty darn important. Especially if you’ve never actually seen the person before. So…showing up to a nice, trendy restaurant in faded, worn jeans, a faded worn polo shirt (that should have been retired after that third grade school picture) and dirty tennis shoes…yeah, I’m not exactly impressed. Here’s my thing. It takes us girl a while to put together what you see. We do our hair (at least a half hour), make up (about 15 min), find an outfit (anywhere from a half hour to an hour) and find jewelry, belts, shoes, to match. We put thought and effort into every detail, and you’re going to show up in an oversized polo, baggy jeans and dirty sneakers? Ugh! Not a good start. I just spent anywhere from one to two hours getting ready, and you’re going to show up like that? And least pretend like you’re trying to impress me.
Alright, deep breath. So I realize that not every man actually realizes what an impression their fashion choices make. I smile, say hello, give him a hug and sit down. And I am ready for a drink. We make small talk about our days and then I reach for the drinks menu and ask him what he was thinking on getting. He literally pauses, gives me a look of horror, and goes into a five minute speech about how he doesn’t drink and doesn’t respect people who drink. I am by no way an alcoholic, I have a drink mayyybe once a week. And by a drink I mean a beer. But in that moment, I felt like a horrible person for even mentioning drinking (at a bar nonetheless) and ashamed of my request to ingest alcohol, I put the drinks menu down and ordered a water. So not only did I have to get through this date with a boring, stiff, overly conservative man, but I had to do it completely sober. Oh jeeze.
I might have well have been on a date with a dead fish. Seriously, every time I tried to make a joke, he took it seriously, or gave me a serious response…which is weird, because he did this weird creepy laugh after everything he said.
I bought a house a couple years ago and I really enjoy home projects hehe
Oh man, you must be a regular Tim the Tool Man Taylor!
I actually have been really enjoying figuring out how to install cabinets into my kitchen and bathroom. It’s actually a lot more difficult than it looks hehe
Pff, I wouldn’t know the first thing about installing cabinets so it’d probably be near impossible for me!
Actually, the trick is finding the right tools for the job. A lot of people don’t know…
AHHH! That’s where I stopped listening and started nodding. There was no joking or flirting for that matter. No banter. No back and forth…it was like watching one of those instructional TV shows about home improvement. And then it was like listening to talk radio about taxes. And then it was like reading a kinesiology book about muscle training for running. And then it was like listening to a bitter grown man whine about how girls don’t like nice guys. Haha, we like nice guys…nice guys with personalities.
Needless to say we had an early night. I (in my complete rudeness, but I couldn’t help it!) kept yawning and explained that I had a long week and was really tired. If a girl ever plays the “I’m just really tired” card which really translates into “I’m not that interested but I’m not going to say that to your face but I really hope you get it.” So either liven things up, or say goodnight (and probably goodbye forever).
So how do you avoid being a dead fish on a date? Well, I don’t care how passionate you are about home improvement, giving a technical description of installing cabinets is just not good first date material. Actually, giving a technical description of anything is just a bad idea. Here some finding from my date with Mr.CPA:
FLIRT!
Or more importantly, FLIRT BACK! I gave this guy tons of flirty responses to his boring rants, but he just kept going. Realize that when a girl jokes or flirts with you, she wants you to joke or flirt back.
Keep things light!
Smile. And make sure the girl is smiling. If she’s just staring at you a nodding, she’s probably just trying to get through the conversation or you could just be talking over her head about something she doesn’t really care about but is feigning interest in for your sake. If she’s smiling, interjecting, LAUGHING, then that’s a good sign. But look for the (genuine) smile. If she’s smiling, she’s happy. If she’s happy, she’s having a good time. If she’s having a good time, you’re not being a dead fish. Congrats!
Relax!
I know first dates are unnerving. But sitting rigid with your hands clasped on the table just looks awkward. Lean forward, use hand gestures, sit back, be comfortable. The more uncomfortable you look, the more uncomfortable she’s going to feel.
Don’t Complain!
Telling your date about what a bitch your ex girlfriend was for dumping you for a bartender is not a good way to get her interested (having his shit together or not, he was probably a hell of a lot more exciting than you). If I want a bitter, miserable person in my life, I’ll call my brother more often. (Kidding!) Seriously, complaining doesn’t look good on anyone. We date because we want to have a good time with somebody, not because we want to listen to someone bitch. So have a good time. If you’re having fun, then she probably is too.
Alright nerds, I hope that my dating woe has provided you with some new insight.
Parking lot hugs! (cuz you don’t know if you should kiss her or not…)
Slugs
Doing it with Slugs, First Dates 
Reader Comments (5)
Totally second everything said here, been on one of these dates. Even worse is when they undermine you by taking a joke seriously ¬¬ ugh.
omg, I got to hear that clip now!
That's pretty hellacious! I can barely remember the two worst dates I've been on. On one I was much more comfortable than her, but whatever I was doing wasn't helping her relax (probably my driving. She didn't have a car!) and the other well...We went on two dates (one lunch the other to a theater production). Aside from having next to nothing in common (did I mention both of these were blind dates?) I feel like I didn't plan things enough. I know that sounds silly, but I am not a spontaneous person. We didn't know what to do after lunch (a walk on a sharp rock covered beach is not romantic. Ouch!) and we arrived early to the play! Pretty disastrous.
Since those I haven't been compelled to go on another date cold turkey.
What if you are a bitter miserable person though, shouldn't you kind of give off that impression at least a little bit? It seems like if a girl goes in thinking that a person is very happy go lucky, easy going person but really is more of a bitter angst filled sarcastic person, isn't that relationship pretty doomed to failure? I mean sometimes I am less of a miserable person and fun to be around, but i'm just not a person who can just always be happy, smiling, etc. Am I just doomed to failure or should I just be putting on my acting shoes more often and just pray that shit works out from there?
Don't give up David! Those were actually probably just true testiments to what your relationships with those women would have been, meaning, if you were with the "right" girls, a rocky covered beach would have been a funny bonding experience. Arriving to a play early would have been a chance to talk and laugh and tell stories. So don't sweat it, and don't be afraid to get back out there :) Dates are gonna suck, trust me, I've been through the wringer...but the good ones are worth sitting through all the bad ones!
John, I'm all for being yourself, but I mean, why would I (or anyone else) want to date a bitter, miserable person? This world has enough misery, I don't think that anybody actually wants the person they're dating to be bitter and miserable. But I mean, if that's you, I'm hoping that at least the girl your dating would lift your spirits enough for you to be genuinely happy around her. Best of luck.
Slugs
Thanks Slugs! I think I might try a dating site since most girls I meet just see the nice guy in me. When I've tried to be more than just friends with these girls it hasn't worked. One relationship ended out right.
I want girls to know I'm interested.