So, I've decided to start making my titles more ambiguous to see if Eric actually reads my posts before writing a quick summary with the link on facebook. Hee he. Oh Eric. I do love to find ways to make your day a little bit harder.
But anyways, I got a very interesting question the other day, and I actually believe this guy's problem to be more common than most people think...
I have this knack for attracting women that have husbands/boyfriends. I don’t look for them, but I’m polite, friendly, and playful with everyone and for some reason these girls decide that I’m perfect to fulfill whatever is lacking in their relationships. It goes from simple, fun banter to them saying things like “we’d have been such a great couple…” then the sexting starts. Why do these women zero in on me and why don’t I have such luck with single girls? I have no interest in being the “other guy” but I always seem to end up heading that way. I want a relationship yet seem to be attracting the wrong women. Any advice?
-The Unavoidable Other Guy
Oh wow mister other guy. This is probably going to be the easiest advice for me to give, and the hardest for you to take. And I give this advice having been in your situation several times.
Stop. Just stop. Oh, you have a boyfriend? You’re married? Then I will not be sexting you…or returning your sexts. I will not be discussing “us” in a romantic fashion. And I will not be the filler man in your life. Thanks, have a great day!
Easy shit. Like you said, there is something obviously lacking in THEIR relationships. So let THEM figure it out with THEIR significant other. Giving in to their flirting, sexting, hints at “something more,” is pretty much like shouting at them, please use me so that you can make yourself feel better and make me feel like shit! Because you know, once they get that “I’ve still got it” self confidence boost they’ll be back to their “real” relationship which will then, in the beauty of irony, be better than ever. So if you want to help that girl you like have a better relationship with her boyfriend, then yeah, go ahead and give her the attention she wishes she was getting from her man. Because then she’ll end up with the rejuvenated confidence that will make her man give her more attention. Then you’re on the side of the road wondering what the hell happened. You just got used, that’s what happened.
Here’s the hard thing, for some weird reason it is just human nature to want what you can’t have. Sucks, huh? Trust me, I hear ya. So you’ve gone however many years with this subconscious mindset of wanting what you can’t have. Now you have to shift your mindset…and it’s going to be hard, but it’s doable.
It’s kind of like sledding (bare with me). It’s just snowed, you get to the top of the hill, and you go down for the first time and make fresh tread marks. It felt pretty good. So you go to the top and go back down in the same marks. You do this over and over and over again until those marks are engrained on the side of the hill. Then, you decide to go down a different way, but because the marks are already engrained there, your sled wants to fall back into them. Making new ones is a little harder, and feels weird at first, but after a few tries, the new marks are going to become engrained and feel pretty good.
Your mindset is the tread marks. The “wanting what I can’t have” is that original set of marks that you’ve set on the side of your brain. Well, it’s not working out and you have to make new ones. It’ll feel weird at first, but be persistent. Tell yourself that you will not fall into old habits. Eventually, the new tread marks will take.
I know that wanting somebody who is actually obtainable is scary. That’s why we settle in the “what we can’t have.” We’d rather rest in the challenge of going after the unavailable than opening ourselves up to somebody who is available. Fear not my nerds! Have you ever heard, “the biggest risks have the biggest payoffs?” Yeah, it applies here. Take the risk, make the jump, and as bad as one fall might be, the end reward is worth it.
I’ll leave you with a little anecdote of my most recent brush with “wanting what you can’t have.”
I’m a rock climber and spend several nights a week at a climbing gym. Needless to say, I’ve gotten to know most of the staff pretty well. There’s a very sweet, pretty cute, genuinely nice manager that works at the gym and a few weeks ago he asked me out. I said yes at first because he’s just so nice, but I knew I didn’t really like him so I called him and explained that I didn’t want to lead him on and we were cool. Well since then, we’ve become pretty good friends, and he’s obviously stopped showing interest in me as more than a friend. And guess what? He’s starting to look pretty cute to me. And I’m starting to have feelings for him. I’d be willing to bet 100 bucks if I had gone out with him, I wouldn’t have liked him. But now, now that I know I can’t have him, I’m starting to like him. Hmph. So…what do I do? Well I stop, I think about what I really actually like about him, what’s triggering these feelings, and if it’s just the fact that he’s not paying the same attention to me as he was before (which is the case) then I move on. See how easy that was? Your turn.
PS: Keep an eye on the site for a brand new podcast featuring myself along with the wonderful Ike from Just Cool Enough! The show, X&Y will be making it's debut shortly...so keep a look out!
Oh yeah: Got a question for me? Hit me with it. firstname.lastname@example.org