It's good to see you, Nerds.
For some reason, I don’t think that we talk about what we need as much as we should. Our needs have become taboo. Sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, it doesn’t matter. Anything that digs below the surface is our own secret, and we need to keep it to ourselves.
Why? Why can’t we just talk to each other without feeling weird about it?
I am by no means a relationship/dating/sex expert. Sure, I have a lot of experience in the “field” and for some reason, with all this “experience,” I don’t think I’ve ever actually told somebody what I need.
We ready to talk about our needs? Good. It won't be as bad as you think.
I’ve had it recently pointed out to me that I don’t know what a real relationship feels like. Maybe I don’t. I haven’t ever done long term. Why? Because the idea of telling another person what I need scares the shit out of me. So I put up a serious blockade whenever it comes up. I don’t think I’m weird for this, because I think a lot of people do it. We’re told a lot of shit. If you’re reading this, there’s a good 90% chance that you’ve read other dating blogs/articles/advice columns. You’ve probably gotten a lot of really bad advice. I know I have. "Don't call him, let him call you." "Play hard to get, don't answer when he calls." "Don't pay on the first date." "Always offer to pay on the first date." "Don't put out, he'll think you're a slut." "Put out or he'll think you're a prude." Haha. Bull. Shit.
So, I’ve taken a short sabbatical. (Actually, I’ve just had some serious writer's block but I mean, sabbatical is a cooler way of saying it.) In this sabbatical time I dated a wonderful guy. What went wrong? No connection on his part. Why? I’d be willing to bet a month’s salary (which isn’t that much, trust me, but still…) because I could not for the life of me open up to him. I can honestly say that after a month of dating, he barely knew anything about me. Yeah, that’ll kill a relationship before it starts. I mean, there were other things wrong too, but for the sake of this post, my inability to tell him what I wanted or needed completely pushed him away. Why couldn’t I just open up? Well, for one, I’ve been taught that showing your emotions is like having a severe flesh wound around a shark. It leaves you vulnerable and pretty much ready to get ripped to shreds. But what I’m learning is that maybe it’s not the flesh wound that’s the problem, it’s the shark. It’s pretty stupid to have a wound around a shark. But, I mean, if you have a wound around like, a really sweet dog, it’s going to come to you, and it’s going to lick it and make it better. And then, the wound is actually a good thing because it brought this awesome dog to you. And he made it better. So, you just need to avoid the sharks and accept the dogs. I know I’m not making sense, but please keep reading, I promise it gets better. (Yeah, after month off, I’m a little rusty here).
Back in the 70’s, the sexual revolution happened. Everybody said fuck it to taboo and hellz yeah to a self expression that felt good. Now, sex, not really a big deal. So, ok, it’s been a good 30-40 years since then, and what has the new taboo become? Emotions. If you’re a guy that shows your emotions, you’re a pussy. If you’re a girl that shows your emotions, you’re needy and dependant. Fuck that! We feel what we feel. The more we hide it, the bigger our emotional demons become. Half of the freaking country is in therapy and shitty relationships because it’s taboo to show our true emotions. That IS crazy.
SO. With all that said. I’m going to invite and challenge you all to my own personal emotional revolution. Let’s just say fuck it to this stupid taboo. Join my orgy of emotions and tell me…what do you NEED? To be happy with another human being (or dog, because they’re pretty damn close) what do you need?
I’ll tell you what I need: Confidence. Not in yourself, but in me. Well, us. I mean, confidence in yourself is great and all, but I need you to be confident in us. I need my friends to be confident in our friendship. And most of them are. I never have to worry if somebody’s mad at me if I haven’t heard from them in a while, because I know we have a shared confidence in our relationship. I never feel like I’m bugging them by calling or texting. I never feel scared if I’m weak or vulnerable around them. And that’s what I need in a relationship too. A shared confidence, which is built by assurance, and re-assurance, and relationship insurance that you’re not going to say “I love you” one day and change your mind the next. Yes. Confidence, Cohen. It’s something that takes work to be built. So I need work, and confidence. Work with me. Be confident with me…and we’ll be awesome together…and I’ll rock your freakin world.
So join me my Nerds. Let me know what you need. We can truly learn from each other here, so hold your fists up high and say fuck it to taboo, fuck it to fear, and fuck it hiding what you need. Say hellz yeah to a self expression that feels good. Now open that trunk of helium filled emotions and see how good it feels to let them float free.
(Now THAT’S what I call a comeback. What whaaaaat!)