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Dead fish stink

Sup, Nerds.

So it’s a Friday night. I’m on my way to my newest dating adventure with a cute CPA that I met online. Now, I know, CPA doesn’t exactly scream exciting to most people, but being the nerd lover I am, a big brain is pretty darn sexy. Plus, a man’s work isn’t his life, right? Mr. CPA was also a marathon runner and self proclaimed adrenaline junkie. Sounded pretty well rounded to me.  So after a few (slightly awkward) phone calls (which, ok, were really boring but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was probably just bad on the phone. It’s happened before. BTW, listen to the latest episode of X&Y to actually hear a conversation I had with Mr. CPA!) I agreed to meet him for dinner and drinks.

So, on a first date, the first impression is pretty darn important. Especially if you’ve never actually seen the person before. So…showing up to a nice, trendy restaurant in faded, worn jeans, a faded worn polo shirt (that should have been retired after that third grade school picture) and dirty tennis shoes…yeah, I’m not exactly impressed. Here’s my thing. It takes us girl a while to put together what you see. We do our hair (at least a half hour), make up (about 15 min), find an outfit (anywhere from a half hour to an hour) and find jewelry, belts, shoes, to match. We put thought and effort into every detail, and you’re going to show up in an oversized polo, baggy jeans and dirty sneakers? Ugh! Not a good start. I just spent anywhere from one to two hours getting ready, and you’re going to show up like that? And least pretend like you’re trying to impress me.

Alright, deep breath. So I realize that not every man actually realizes what an impression their fashion choices make. I smile, say hello, give him a hug and sit down. And I am ready for a drink. We make small talk about our days and then I reach for the drinks menu and ask him what he was thinking on getting. He literally pauses, gives me a look of horror, and goes into a five minute speech about how he doesn’t drink and doesn’t respect people who drink. I am by no way an alcoholic, I have a drink mayyybe once a week. And by a drink I mean a beer. But in that moment, I felt like a horrible person for even mentioning drinking (at a bar nonetheless) and ashamed of my request to ingest alcohol, I put the drinks menu down and ordered a water. So not only did I have to get through this date with a boring, stiff, overly conservative man, but I had to do it completely sober. Oh jeeze.

I might have well have been on a date with a dead fish. Seriously, every time I tried to make a joke, he took it seriously, or gave me a serious response…which is weird, because he did this weird creepy laugh after everything he said.

I bought a house a couple years ago and I really enjoy home projects hehe

Oh man, you must be a regular Tim the Tool Man Taylor!

I actually have been really enjoying figuring out how to install cabinets into my kitchen and bathroom. It’s actually a lot more difficult than it looks hehe

Pff, I wouldn’t know the first thing about installing cabinets so it’d probably be near impossible for me!

Actually, the trick is finding the right tools for the job. A lot of people don’t know…

AHHH! That’s where I stopped listening and started nodding. There was no joking or flirting for that matter. No banter. No back and forth…it was like watching one of those instructional TV shows about home improvement. And then it was like listening to talk radio about taxes. And then it was like reading a kinesiology book about muscle training for running. And then it was like listening to a bitter grown man whine about how girls don’t like nice guys. Haha, we like nice guys…nice guys with personalities.

Needless to say we had an early night. I (in my complete rudeness, but I couldn’t help it!) kept yawning and explained that I had a long week and was really tired. If a girl ever plays the “I’m just really tired” card which really translates into “I’m not that interested but I’m not going to say that to your face but I really hope you get it.” So either liven things up, or say goodnight (and probably goodbye forever).

So how do you avoid being a dead fish on a date? Well, I don’t care how passionate you are about home improvement, giving a technical description of installing cabinets is just not good first date material. Actually, giving a technical description of anything is just a bad idea. Here some finding from my date with Mr.CPA:

FLIRT!

Or more importantly, FLIRT BACK! I gave this guy tons of flirty responses to his boring rants, but he just kept going. Realize that when a girl jokes or flirts with you, she wants you to joke or flirt back.

Keep things light!

Smile. And make sure the girl is smiling. If she’s just staring at you a nodding, she’s probably just trying to get through the conversation or you could just be talking over her head about something she doesn’t really care about but is feigning interest in for your sake. If she’s smiling, interjecting, LAUGHING, then that’s a good sign. But look for the (genuine) smile. If she’s smiling, she’s happy. If she’s happy, she’s having a good time. If she’s having a good time, you’re not being a dead fish. Congrats!

Relax!

I know first dates are unnerving. But sitting rigid with your hands clasped on the table just looks awkward. Lean forward, use hand gestures, sit back, be comfortable. The more uncomfortable you look, the more uncomfortable she’s going to feel.

Don’t Complain!

Telling your date about what a bitch your ex girlfriend was for dumping you for a bartender is not a good way to get her interested (having his shit together or not, he was probably a hell of a lot more exciting than you). If I want a bitter, miserable person in my life, I’ll call my brother more often. (Kidding!) Seriously, complaining doesn’t look good on anyone. We date because we want to have a good time with somebody, not because we want to listen to someone bitch. So have a good time. If you’re having fun, then she probably is too.

Alright nerds, I hope that my dating woe has provided you with some new insight.

Parking lot hugs! (cuz you don’t know if you should kiss her or not…)

Slugs

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