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Do you kiss your mother with that tongue?

Sup, Nerds.

I know I’ve said several times that I am not a dating/relationship expert. There are very few things that I consider myself an expert on, but an area that I do excel in beyond normal expectations is…kissing. Yep, I’m sayin it. I’m a kissing guru. A god. Top notch. Best in my field. I don’t wanna brag, but if they had an award for best kisser ever, I’d win it.

So how do my luscious lips and seductive smooch style help out my digital nerds? Well, because I’m such a good freakin kisser, I believe that I am also a good judge of fellow liplockers. I’ve taught various fellow friends the secrets of how to kiss a woman right (which have paid off BIG time for them), and I am now sharing my two best tips with you…my favorite nerds in the world. So…I guess here’s my question to you guys. Wanna make out?

So…here’s the biggest thing that’s going to help you out. This one main tip will take you from a shitty kisser to a pretty ok kisser: put that fucking snake-ass tongue away. Just keep it in your mouth. Especially if it’s in the first few kisses you have with a girl. I hate leaning in for a first kiss and getting a mouth full of tongue. Gross. We like soft…gentle…we don’t need a big fucking tongue in our mouth to know that you’re trying to be passionate. The most passionate kisses I’ve ever had have been soft, slightly parted lips, with a long, slow, gentle pull away. Yeah, that’ll take her breath away. It’s definitely taken my breath away before.

Tip number two: do not grind your boner against us while we’re just kissing. It might feel good to you, but it’s just awkward to us. It’s just kind of like, wow, we’re standing in a parking lot. I’m glad you’re turned on and all but I don’t need to feel that. I don’t care how big you are, I’m not impressed by the fact that you’re trying to hump me. Keep it in your pants, away from us. I’ve actually had this happen during a first kiss (a few times) and I seriously don’t wanna feel what you have going on down there during what I just want to be an innocent, cute, sweet  first kiss. I’m telling you…first kisses, keep it short, simple and gentle. Leave her wanting more and she’ll come back to get it. And maybe next time, she’ll be up for feeling your boner too.  

Hugs (and soft, gentle first kisses),

Slugs

 

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